December 31st, 2018
Side note: This journal entry is from New Years Eve 2018, but funny enough I sat down to re-write it for the blog on March 30, 2021, the eve of my birthday. As I prepare to finish another year, another chapter in my life, it was so encouraging to read these words once again.
It’s New Years Eve! One of my favorite things to do on New Years Eve is to look back. Often times, we put “looking back” in a negative light. With phrases like, “move forward and never look back”, we often dismiss the very valuable principle of learning from the past. Like Rafiki said, “The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.” I think not only are we bound to repeat our mistakes, if we don’t look back, but also we rob ourselves of the joy of seeing just how far we’ve come. We miss out on seeing God’s faithfulness in our lives. The beauty of faithfulness is it’s resilient commitment in every season, EVERY season. I think the beauty of God’s faithfulness is often best displayed when in contrast to the unsteadiness of life. As I look back over the years, both the the sweet and salty seasons, I’m always amazed at how much has happened. It somehow leaves me in a state of gratitude and hopefulness.
One of my verses for this New Year is this,
“God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”Psalms 46:5
If you read the verse before you will see that this verse is actually talking about the City of God, Jerusalem, and even more specifically, the temple, God’s dwelling place. In the New Testament it says that now we, our bodies, are the temple of God, (1 Corinthians 6:19) and He will dwell within whomever welcomes Him to. (John 14:23)
See where I’m going with this?
Looking back at the past year I remember all the internal battles I faced. One was pressure. Pressure of pleasing people, pressure at work to always meet people’s expectations. The other one is fear. Fear of failing, fear of people’s opinions, fear of loosing friends. Turns out pressure and fear are a deadly combination. It led to lifeless, joyless, choked dancing, and timid, silent, and empty conversations with people.
But even in that, as I look back, I see the way God sustained me and didn’t let me get completely crushed by the weight of these burdens. I read through my old journals and see God’s gentleness and patience with me. I see the ways He confronted me, drew me out of those mental spaces I was in. I see His grace in not letting me fall. I tripped up, stumbled, and limped plenty, but I did not fall. He healed me and is healing me. He spoke truth and was my helper when I had a hard time telling others about it. He has put incredible people into my life to remind me of who He is and who I am. People who lifted me up and encouraged me every step of the way.
It’s amazing, to see the change in myself, to see the shift in the way I approach things now. But I also know that the battle is far from over. Looking back, I also learned from my tendencies, my habits, my patterns. Those are things that will take time to fully change. It’s kind of a relearning in a way. I believe the devil is the father of lies who, “walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8) I recognize my need to be alert and on guard as he readily speaks lies to me when I am unguarded.
I also know that it’s easy to feel pumped on New Year’s Eve, and then completely drained by January 3rd, haha, but I think recognizing that there is a battle, is actually, half of the battle.
And for those of you who know your history, you may say, but Abby, historically, the temple did fall. Does that mean God doesn’t keep His promises?
I’m glad you asked, because I had the same question.
Historically actually the temple was built and destroyed several times. See, the people had a habit of abandoning God, or “kicking Him out” of His own temple so to say. God isn’t going to force Himself on anyone. That isn’t how loving relationships work. He want us to want Him the way He wants us. If you yank your hand from His, kick Him out of your life, or don’t even let Him in in the first place, there is no promise that you won’t eventually be broken by those decisions. However, even if you completely fall, or seem utterly broken, you will find that He is still right there, ready to heal you, ready to take your hand in His once more, and ready to be invited in as King of your heart. There is no one who has fallen too hard that He can’t restore, no one too broken that He can’t heal.
I can’t wait to see what He does this year; to next year, once again, look back and see the faithfulness of my God.
Soul Food 