12.8.19
It is August 12th, 2019, the day before my 3rd season with the Estonian National Ballet begins!
Ugh, the day before any season starts it feels like Christmas Eve. I am so excited! I cannot wait! I don’t want this feeling to go away. I feel like I could run, or fly- take on anything! I feel fearless.
Fear has always been a thorn in my side. I’m always terrified of letting people down or of someone having a negative opinion of me. To be honest I give people’s opinions far too much authority in my life. I don’t want to fear anyone or anything other than God. This verse has proven true in my life time and time again.
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”
Proverbs 29:25
Whenever I put my boss, my colleagues, or my friend’s opinion on a pedestal it quickly becomes a trap. Their opinions, as good, well-intended, or helpful as they might be, will always be a bit flawed. Believing that their words and thoughts about me define my worth and the course of my life is a heavy burden. It always initiates an endless effort of trying to get their approval. It’s exhausting. In ballet especially, it is extremely hard to fight this way of thinking. I literally dance in front of ballet masters for hours every day with the goal of getting their approval. I spend the whole day getting corrected and critiqued and waiting to hear, “good”. A good day for any dancer is when the ballet master is happy and a bad day is when they are not. It’s crazy how it will affect my mood for the whole day or even week at times! It’s hard to detach myself from it and not let it affect the rest of my life.
But the cool thing with God is that I begin from a place of total, unconditional acceptance, not based on my works or accomplishments (and thank God, because it’s hard enough living up to human standards, imagine God’s), and because of that complete acceptance, I have the freedom to fail because my trust is in Him. This doesn’t mean that I intentionally try to fail, or abuse my freedom, but rather that when I do (because I will), it doesn’t change my standing with Him or the plans he has for me. As long as I am His, I am safe.
In some companies, there are “lifetime contracts” which are supposed to secure your position for your whole career. A relationship with God is kind of like that. I have the safety and security to try my best and fail without fear.
Unlike people, God has made up His mind about who we are. We are His and He loves us. That is why we so need to trust in Him and not in people who change their minds day to day.
His Grace, His wisdom, His sovereignty, those are things I want to trust in and surrender myself to.
But my human bosses, my friends, my peers, I want to love them, respect them, honor them, obey them, but not fear them. They are not my god.
I so want my heart to be free from fear, to be so wrapped up in His love that I don’t even have time to be afraid. But it is a daily decision I have to make. Who do I give authority? Who do I trust with my life? Who’s affection do I rely on?
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…”
1 John 4:18
I’m learning every day what it means to choose His love. There is no fear there. Only peace. And as I rest there I am taken deeper and deeper into freedom.
Soul Food 